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The Farewell Post

It's been six weeks, but aside from a few comments I've left and a few messages I've received, I don't think 1)anyone has noticed my absence and 2)I, to be fair, haven't been around to read much. Apparently, LJ really is dropping off into the abyss, though Facebook seems so impersonal, Google+ is too flawed, and ello is kind of a horrid mess. I miss the old days here - where thoughts mattered and discussions occurred. But for that to happen, people - including myself - have to be around. They have to care. And once LJ Idol wraps this final season, I predict that even fewer people will be here as well.

But while I can be here, for those who are still here, I want to update briefly, and give thanks. This may be my last LJ post. It may not be. But if it is - and I predict it will be, which is why I will make it public - I want it to be informative and then end on a very positive note.

Updates:
-After my absorption study didn't go as planned at Hopkins, my endocrinologist said that he didn't know what to do with me but give me a high dose of oral medication. Since I don't fully absorb oral medication, I left his practice. Pushing 900 mcg of Synthroid on me won't help if only 45 mcg (if even that) absorbs. And I've ended up back where I was - in Westminster - at the same practice I went to in 2009. I'm with a new endo now - my fourth since 2012 - and he has been pretty decent thus far. I'm still the never-ending mystery, and there are things he won't try because they could damage my health, but he's been proactive and has fought for me. I'll stay with him unless something goes drastically wrong while I'm under his care, or until the end. He also explained a new problem to me - vision loss. I've lost my peripheral vision completely. There are no thyroid hormones going to my brain, so my pituitary gland is freaking out. This is causing pressure against my optic nerves, meaning the loss of vision. I'm now supposed to wear glasses 24/7, and have been told not to drive. I'll drive short distances when I'm not dizzy, but I've lost a lot of freedom in the past four to six weeks. The next paragraph will explain why a bit more.

-On November 4th, I celebrated one year of thyroidectomy surgery - No Thyroid Day. Of course, that day started to lead toward my demise, but that day this year, I went to Barnes & Noble to work on my NaNoWriMo novel and buy a few books. While there, I received a phone call. After several appeals and three months, my insurance company - though they have denied almost everything else before and after this - approved IM injections of Synthroid. I had enough doctors and enough evidence from the hospital visits to show that the only way I could absorb Synthroid was either IV or IM. Therefore, I was approved for a 90-day supply. I sat on the floor in Barnes & Noble and cried. It wouldn't save my life, but it would prolong it. More than a year! I was given hope. Two days later, I was shown by a nurse how to give myself the injections. The next day, I gave myself the injection - and started bleeding from my nose. This led to profuse bleeding from other places I'll refrain from mentioning, and I went to the hospital. Since then, I have been unable to walk without a walker - my right hip, for whatever reason, started to ache and has never recovered - and despite the fact I HATE painkillers, I now need Vicodin just to walk or sit upright. But we tried. And we're going to try again, because...

-I fell into another coma a few days ago. I was unconscious twice during this past hospital stay - when I was brought in and admitted, and then, in the middle of the night. Toby was with me in the middle of the night, as my parents had James, and all I recall is saying, "Toby, I can't breathe." The next thing I knew, I was in a different hospital room, unable to speak, and confused. Apparently, my body couldn't handle how high my TSH was and how low my T4 was (non-existent, said the ER doc - below .1, and without T4, the body just stops). My blood oxygen was 67%. My heart wasn't working. The crash cart was there. Toby stood in a room with those ten rapid response doctors and watched them bring me back. But in the end, before I was sent home, I was told that at this stage, not much can be done. I don't absorb oral medication and the IM didn't work. The last option - a port or PiCC - requires surgical clearance and a lot of upkeep IF my body can handle it. The opinion of every doctor and anesthesiologist consulted is that even a basic surgery to insert a PiCC would require too much of me. So we're going to go back to the IM Synthroid. It's all I have left. I just have to try it in different locations on my body until too much scar tissue builds up there. By the time I build up that scar tissue, I probably won't need injections any longer, if you know what I mean.

-My discharge from the hospital says "invasive and inoperable thyroid cancer with severe, recurrent hypothyroidism and myxedema coma." And that sums up my health situation. We don't know if I have a month or a year or five years. We just know that wills have been made, letters have been written, journals are being kept, and I'm spending as much time as I can with people I love. But James - my baby James. He's in school four days a week, and I miss him. His wonderful school, where he is flourishing, is 45 minutes from here. Nothing around here is like it unless we find a way to come up with private school tuition. Therefore - and this is my big reveal, so please, if you don't like it, I'd rather not hear it, because I know the gravity of my situation in all regards...

-Toby and I are going to have to sell the house we just bought here in Reisterstown this past March and buy a home back in Westminster. James will have a better education there, my endocrinologist is there, we have family and friends nearby to help - a large network of people who want to be there for not only myself, of course, but for Toby and James, and though I hate to leave this house that has felt like home, our realtor knows we have no other options. Come spring 2015, we'll start looking again, and keep our fingers crossed that we'll be able to make a lateral move with little stress involved. Right now, even minimal stress can cause my heart to go. I'm not happy about this, but for me to feel comfortable with - well, the inevitability of my situation - I need to know James is in a place where he is safe, cared for, well-educated in school, and has emotional stability. I need to know Toby will have help if need be. Then, I can rest without worry about transportation issues, weather, huge monetary concerns, timing mishaps, and so forth.

-I think those are all of the updates regarding my life. So now, onto the gratitude. The things for which I give thanks (and I hope that I don't forget anything or anyone). Tis the season, after all!

I am thankful...:
-That, even though I will not win NaNo this year (I've been too fatigued), I still have 18,000 words of a great new story that inspires me and is pushing my boundaries creatively.
-For the trips - alone or with friends and family - to Barnes & Noble (our Baltimore home away from home!) for books, coffee, writing, reading, conversation, play groups, friends for James, and time to stop and smell how wonderful freshly-brewed coffee and newly-printed pages are in this world.
-For the doctors and nurses who have held my hand, who have cried with me, who have told me to fight, who have pushed me beyond my limits, and who have encouraged me to fight until my last breath comes.
-For modern medicine. I wouldn't be writing this post without it.
-That I will be spending this Thanksgiving with my in-laws - Mom and Chris - who have been unwavering with their support and love.
-That I turned 33 on the 27th of October, and that 33 doesn't seem that old now. It seems just right.
-For fun things, like dyeing my hair blue, or wearing a cute shirt, just for the hell of it.
-For the kindness of strangers who hold open doors, who look at me and not my walker, who listen when I tell my story, and who want to help/have helped without me asking for it. I have pride, but I appreciate when people can still be kind and hold the door while I'm balancing a walker, a purse, a child, a drink, and myself.
-For the fact that, despite the ups and downs, my parents support me through this fight and love me in a way I've never noticed before. There have been times they didn't like me, but knowing their love is there is something that means the world to me.
-For my wonderful psychologist, who tries to keep me sane when sanity is sometimes hard to maintain.
-That I can still sing. My voice isn't what it was, but I still have it.
-That I will see James celebrate this Christmas. I absolutely know I will.
-For Relay For Life. I am captain of my own team this year, named Chasing Cures, and I AM going to walk in that Relay on May 15th, 2015. Even if I can only walk two laps, I will walk them. Nothing in this world can stop me from participating in this.
-For the air I can breathe during the times I can breathe, the water I drink when I'm able to drink, and the nourishment I receive when I'm able to receive it.
-That I have a wonderful, beautiful roof over my head and, come spring, will embark on a journey to find another wonderful, beautiful new roof - to keep myself and my family warm and safe and HOME.
-That James is excelling in all aspects of his life. His teachers are impressed with his maturity (especially for a three-year-old), his intelligence, his creativity, his social skills, his ability to listen, how much his verbal skills have improved since the April surgery, and most of all, his compassion. I am impressed, too. I've felt so much guilt for the things he's seen, or the things I've missed, but he knows that I love him. And when he says, "Mommy, I love you so much," or I call him my baby love and he says to me, "No, you're MY baby love, Mommy!" - I just think I have the best child on the planet. May he always be so wise, so kind, so talented, and so loving. May he always tell hilarious jokes, 10-minute stories, and ask "why" to this world around him that has so many questions that need answers. And may he, one day, have some of those answers, and share even more of his intuition and wisdom and love.
-For Toby. He has been my rock, and has put on a strong face for me despite the things he's seen. He works 40 hours a week, is earning his Masters degree, cares for James so frequently, and still manages to be here for me. He's slept in uncomfortable hospital chairs, gone grocery shopping late at night, handled my medical crises calmly, brought flowers home for me for no reason, encourages me to join him for a quick Starbucks run when I'm feeling trapped in the house, and so forth. Not everyone gets to experience that unconditional love. But despite some rough times, we've been together for 11 years now. And we will fight together until the end. I love him, to the backend of forever. I couldn't have hoped for a better partner.
-And finally, last but not least, for my friends - my friends and friends who are really my family. We've shared stories and secrets. We've performed together. We've held hands and cried. We've sent emails and jokes. We've seen each other through losses, births, marriages, surgeries, and mental health emergencies. We've lamented about awful past choices and talked about ways to improve the future. We've tried to fight the world. And some days, we've just said, "I love you." That's all that is needed sometimes.

So I end on that note. I love you. I love all of you, in this very moment, in this very space.

Thank you for reading this, for sharing in my despair and in my joy, and for your unwavering support.

I love you.

(Oh, and an edit - how could I have forgotten? This was James on Halloween. He wanted to be Darth Vader, and though he spent a lot of time laughing and enjoying running from house to house to gather candy, he took his role seriously. He is adorable. He is my everything.):
Halloween 17

Comments

( 55 comments — Leave a comment )
howlin_wolf_66
Nov. 26th, 2014 10:58 am (UTC)
I love you too; I'll be around wherever you are, whether it be LJ, FB, or email… *hugs* <3. xxx
oneonthefence
Nov. 26th, 2014 02:07 pm (UTC)
♥. I'm glad. Feel free to email me - I may not reply right away, but I just won't be as active on social media these days. I'm sure you understand why, but I obviously want to stay in touch. :) I'm happy you still want to be around, trust me. *hugs* xoxo.
(no subject) - howlin_wolf_66 - Nov. 26th, 2014 02:11 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - oneonthefence - Nov. 26th, 2014 02:15 pm (UTC) - Expand
sammason
Nov. 26th, 2014 11:51 am (UTC)
It's so good to hear from you. Even with dark news - in fact, especially when your news is dark because I've been wondering how intrusive it would be to send PM or email to ask how you are.

Live well, my friend. As you always do. Thank you for brightening my life.
oneonthefence
Nov. 26th, 2014 02:11 pm (UTC)
Thanks. I knew I had to make this post - I don't plan to use LJ much, if at all, any longer, and am reserving my energy for things that must be done (and spending time with James). I'm not trying to cut anyone off, and messages are always welcome, but updates on social media just won't be as possible. But feel free to contact me. I may not always reply immediately, but I will reply - and when the time comes when I can't, Toby will. He knows that it's important to let people know when that day arrives.

You are wonderful, and I am so grateful that we are friends. Thank you for being the spirited, intelligent, caring friend that you are. *hugs*
rayofblacklight
Nov. 26th, 2014 11:57 am (UTC)
We love you too and hope you keep up with fb as much as you can so we can know what's going on. thank you so much for everything you've done for us...we call you our DID guide. LOVELOVELOVE
oneonthefence
Nov. 26th, 2014 02:12 pm (UTC)
I'm not sure how often I'll be on FB - it drains a lot of my energy - but feel free to email me. I know you have the address, and if you don't, it's on my FB page for you to see and use. :) I'll be here to listen, even if I don't always reply right away. And that is so sweet. I'm glad I've been able to be here for you, and trust me, I appreciate all of your kindness and support, too. Lots of love to you.
(no subject) - rayofblacklight - Nov. 26th, 2014 06:35 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - oneonthefence - Nov. 27th, 2014 05:49 am (UTC) - Expand
faerie_spark
Nov. 26th, 2014 01:04 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you posted. You have been on my mind, and I was going to send you a message this week to see how you were doing. I'm glad you have so much support. Also glad to hear James is doing so well! :) Continuing to send you peace.
oneonthefence
Nov. 26th, 2014 02:14 pm (UTC)
Thanks - I knew it was time to. I appreciate that I've been on your mind and that you wanted to message me. Feel free - I may not reply right away, but as long as I'm around, I will reply. I just want to focus my time and energy on things that aren't social media, especially when it comes to James. But I am so grateful for the support here, on FB, and in real life. It all matters. And James is doing very well! That brings me the greatest peace of all. Thanks again. :)
rockingthemike
Nov. 26th, 2014 01:43 pm (UTC)
i totally understand mandi. i can only imagine the effort it took just to write this entry. not at all flippant, but you've got enough on your plate, and maintaining a journal may not be the best use of time or energy for you.

i just keep hoping that there will be some turn around moment. i'm not being naive, but the im synthroid would/could/should have at least given you a better quality of life. and maybe it would have if insurance had approved you to start taking it sooner.

you focus on you and your beautiful family. that is what's important right now. *hugs you tightly*
oneonthefence
Nov. 26th, 2014 02:22 pm (UTC)
I knew you would, and I know you aren't being flippant or anything. When I have the energy, I want to use it to play with James, or write, or keep notes in my private journal that is for both James and Toby (and family and friends, too, of course). So I'm not absent, and you can always email me and such, but I don't need FB and LJ every day. They are such massive time-sinks when I don't have as much time as I'd like. But I don't want to worry people, either, so when I can, I'll obviously reply to emails, texts, and so forth.

I hope for a turnaround - some sort of odd miracle - as well. Nothing seems to work, but maybe the IM will take? It won't give me forever, but if it gives me more than a year, I'll take it. I promise to let you know how it goes. And yes, if insurance had approved it sooner, my guess is that we would have had a handle on this - maybe not a life-saving handle, but at least we'd know if it would work and not cause those weird reactions. That was terrifying.

Thanks for being here, for being such a good friend, for listening, and for understanding. I obviously don't want to lose touch, so check in, and I'll do the same. But I absolutely will focus on my amazing family. I can't wait to see James in just a few hours from now. :)

And congrats again on NaNo! Your dedication made me teary-eyed. Regardless, I'm so happy that you did it. I knew you would, of course. And trust me, my PLAN is to join you - and have the energy to compete - next year! *tight hugs back to you*
howlin_wolf_66
Nov. 26th, 2014 01:55 pm (UTC)
Cast James in the next instalment! :-)
oneonthefence
Nov. 26th, 2014 02:23 pm (UTC)
Seriously! He's cute, he's a ham, he likes an audience, he has a pretty winning smile. Casting agents have nothing to lose with this kid! :)
nightshade1972
Nov. 26th, 2014 02:30 pm (UTC)
Not much I can say that others haven't already said. I love you, chica. Keep fighting the good fight.

<3
oneonthefence
Nov. 26th, 2014 02:34 pm (UTC)
I love you, too. And always. You know how to contact me. I'm not disappearing. I'm just - shifting my focus, if that makes sense. But as long as I'm still alive and kicking, I'll be here to chat. :) ♥.
(no subject) - nightshade1972 - Nov. 26th, 2014 02:38 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - oneonthefence - Nov. 26th, 2014 02:42 pm (UTC) - Expand
clauderainsrm
Nov. 26th, 2014 03:34 pm (UTC)
Reading both here and on facebook.

Rarely have anything that I can add. But I'm reading.

Oh - and "last FULL season". Idol will continue with a couple mini seasons. After that - who knows. But there is still going to be a reason for people to come to Livejournal.
oneonthefence
Nov. 27th, 2014 05:52 am (UTC)
Thanks - I figured as much. I rarely say too much when other people post, so it's all good. It's nice to know you're still around (because I know how consuming LJI can be). What I didn't know was that you planned on mini-seasons after this full season ended. I know you spoke about an All Stars season, which sounded cool, but that's all I knew. I think LJ is kind of dying a slow death, but you are one of the reasons why people keep coming back to it. That's wonderful.

Life is snatched away from us in a second. That's why I had to write this post. LJ could be here tomorrow, but I may not be. Since I'm alive in this moment, and coherent enough to post, I wanted to do so. If I have time to say the things I don't want to leave unsaid - better to say them now. I hope that makes sense.
alumiere
Nov. 26th, 2014 03:38 pm (UTC)
Sending good wishes and vivirtual hugs.
oneonthefence
Nov. 27th, 2014 05:52 am (UTC)
Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.
sammason
Nov. 26th, 2014 03:53 pm (UTC)
Within the next few days I plan to announce my annual 'Crips at Christmas' on friendly_crips. It wouldn't be appropriate to undermine that virtual party's role as a place for anybody who may be lonely. Otoh, it's possible that this will be some good people's last Xmas. Nobody should be lonely. Your voice is very welcome on that comm.
oneonthefence
Nov. 27th, 2014 05:55 am (UTC)
I do keep an eye on the community - and was happy to lend my thyroid cancer advice to the person who asked about her slight hypothyroidism (because slight can become major so quickly) - so even if I don't post, if I'm online, I'll scan and read. Most of my LJ participation will be while waiting to see docs, or when I can't sleep. Otherwise, I'm just too tired, to be honest, or too busy doing things with family. But I never want anyone to be lonely, so if there is something I can do, message me. I'm around for - well, as long as I can be.
(no subject) - sammason - Nov. 27th, 2014 08:03 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - oneonthefence - Nov. 27th, 2014 08:27 am (UTC) - Expand
old_cutter_john
Nov. 26th, 2014 05:49 pm (UTC)
I've noticed your absence and I think of you more often than seems natural. I know I'll miss you in the future. I hope you surprise us and resurface here.
oneonthefence
Nov. 27th, 2014 05:56 am (UTC)
I'm touched by that - thank you. I'm happy to know that people who know me only through my words and stories care and are concerned. So thank you again. I just wanted to put my words on the page today (or, yesterday now, as it were), just in case, while I'm still able to do so. Better to leave things finished, and to go out on a good day. :)
alephz
Nov. 26th, 2014 06:03 pm (UTC)
There are never words because words really fail in the face of all the emotions.

I'm not getting rid of my LJ account--I use it differently now, but...--so I'm still around.

Mostly I just wanna also send some love your way and totally understand focusing your energies on things that aren't LJ/internet generally. You are loved and I'll be hoping fervently for things to be good for you when we don't see you 'round these parts. <3
oneonthefence
Nov. 27th, 2014 05:59 am (UTC)
Oh, dear one. I know. You have been so kind and honest with me, and I regret that we've never met in person.

I'm replying to comments because I feel that's necessary, but I'm not sure I'll post again. I might pop in if something major happens or someone posts and needs me - but messaging me is the best way to let me know if something is going on. I, in no way, want to neglect my friends. This is a good placeholder, though. It's a good way to say goodbye in case tomorrow is it, or if the day after is it. I could shock everyone and live another five years, but seeing as that isn't likely - I want to go out positively, and while I have the choice to do so, if that makes sense.

I'm rambling, but I send tons of love your way. I'll be thinking about you and wishing you the best of everything, as I always do. ♥.
beldar
Nov. 27th, 2014 01:30 am (UTC)
Glad this wraps up on a positive note. With my busy-ness, I haven't been able to keep up with the updates as I'd wish, so it's good to get the summary here. *virtual hug*

And that is a handsome Lord Vader there. =)

EDIT: And my LJ is paid through the end of March. I'll likely hold on to it beyond that, as it's useful in its own way, but I'm giving a lot of thought to how I'm using social media in 2015 and beyond. We'll see. In the meantime, I still have it set where I get alerts when you post.

Edited at 2014-11-27 01:33 am (UTC)
oneonthefence
Nov. 27th, 2014 06:04 am (UTC)
Indeed. I feel as though, while I still am coherent enough to have a choice, it's a good and smart thing to make one last post that sums up where I am, how I feel, and how lucky I've been through it all. I might have another day, or I might have another year. I don't know. But what I do know is that I'm tying up loose ends, and don't want them to be filled with despair. That's not a legacy to leave behind. My life has been - interesting, and it's been rough, but it's not been a BAD life. It's been a good life, with good people, and I'd be a fool to ignore that.

And he is a very handsome Lord Vader. ;)

My LJ is paid through most of March as well. After that, it will just become a basic account again, so I'm still HERE (if I'm still here - you know what I mean), but I doubt I'll be using LJ much. Social media is definitely changing in many ways, and I'm very tired, so keeping up isn't high on my list. But I am curious to see the changes. Still, thank you for keeping me on your notification list. And definitely message me if you want to say hi. You've been a wonderful friend. I'm grateful to you and for you. *many hugs*
rdfreak
Nov. 27th, 2014 01:56 am (UTC)
Would ya know it, I can not comment again it seems. I haven't used lJ for ages!
My email address is on my Facebook profile; feel free to email me; would love to stay in touch and be updated. Like i also said, feel free to PM me your number and I'll try and call you at some point if you're up to it. xoxo
oneonthefence
Nov. 27th, 2014 06:06 am (UTC)
I'm glad you were able to comment here, and it's good to see you. I do have your contact info, and you know you can contact me if you'd like to as well. I'll be here until, well, I'm not. My goal was simply to say that I'm moving on past LJ at this point, focusing on rest and the real world a bit more, but am here if people need me. I'm not leaving my friends behind. :) Being able to post a final LJ post on my own terms is a satisfying way to control one aspect of the end, if that makes sense. xoxo.
phoenixsansfyr
Nov. 27th, 2014 03:12 am (UTC)
I have been a shit friend who has not been paying attention to things. I love you, and dear gods, I want a solution for you so badly.
oneonthefence
Nov. 27th, 2014 06:11 am (UTC)
My darling love, you are NOT a shit friend, and I've never considered you a shit friend. You have a busy life. I've been busy in different ways. It happens. I miss our long chats, but honestly, I'm so tired these days that I'd probably just fall asleep on you. :) But I'm so grateful for your advice when I'm panicking, and your kindness when explaining why things are happening/aren't working for me, and your humor and candor when we're just chatting in the way that similar spirits do. I hope I haven't used YOU in any way. You've been so amazing in every way. I love you, too, and you know I'm still fighting over here. I just like the option of saying goodbye to LJ on my own terms, and taking a break from social media while trying to rest and build up some strength. But you have my number, and you can text me whenever you want to. I tend to be asleep at night now (a shock, I know), but am normally awake from 3 pm to midnight, at least. I'd miss you far too much if we didn't talk.

So no worries. I love you. Just know that. ♥.
rokeby_venus
Dec. 1st, 2014 02:31 am (UTC)
James makes an awesome Darth Vader. :-)

I'll be here on LJ until the bitter end, but I must admit that I don't come here as often as I used to. I can go for a week without doing a proper LJ catch-up these days. You're not alone in missing the days when there was a lot going on here, when you could check in at least daily and find new posts waiting. So many people have migrated now, and the site design here is getting worse. I miss LJ as it was a decade ago.

I'm so sorry that you're going to have to move again, but I hope that at least it'll be as smooth a move as possible. Anything that makes life a little easier for you and your family can only be a good thing!
oneonthefence
Dec. 1st, 2014 02:57 am (UTC)
He does! Too bad we didn't let him audition for the new movies or something. ;)

I'd like to be on here until the bitter end, but so few people post. I check in and read things, but then, when I pop onto FB, the same stuff just seems to be there. I really miss the old days, when we did get into deep conversations here, but people have definitely migrated. So I figured that I'd just put up a farewell post in case 1)I decide not to post again, since I don't have much to say (and I'm trying to spend more time offline), or 2)something happens quickly and I don't get the chance to post a "see ya later!" on my own terms. I'm big on that. Better to do it while I'm still moderately coherent.

But yeah, I miss LJ from the 2005-ish era, when people really connected. Up until about a year or two ago, it was still pretty active, but it's kind of losing spark now.

And thank you - I hope it will be smooth as well. We have a few months before we enter real estate hell again, but our agent is wonderful and I know she'll do all she can to help out. I'm sad to leave the first place that's felt like home, but if it's for the best for my family - I will definitely make it work. It really will be a good thing, in the end. So I agree with you! :)
halfshellvenus
Dec. 2nd, 2014 09:43 pm (UTC)
I'm late in reading my f-list, but please know that many of us ARE reading and do care how things are going, and we want to know. Good, bad, unchanging... we want to know, and we want to offer you an outlet to say whatever needs to be said and know that you will be heard.

I'm so sorry about your health news, and that the Synthroid injections had such awful side-effects. I don't suppose T4 can be taken as a supplement? That would sure help.

I'm sorry you're having the sell the house, though it really seems the best thing for now. That's too far away from where James needs to be, and you need to be able to spend more time with him. If that means an apartment across the street from his school, that's the best choice.

I'm glad you've reached a new kind of understanding with your parents, because I didn't expect that and it's very good news.

And your wonderful husband and adorable boy... thank goodness for them both.

*all the hugs*

oneonthefence
Dec. 2nd, 2014 11:29 pm (UTC)
I appreciate that. <3 And I've been lurking around and reading a little, but often, my energy is too depleted to comment or post anything substantial. I'll occasionally post or comment on FB, but I've even backed away from there. I don't like how trivial it feels.

Writing this post - whether I needed to for tomorrow or five years from now - felt good. It's kind of like going out on my own terms, since - barring a miracle - we know what's going to happen. So this one could be written more objectively, and could share the good things, too. I don't have a lot of control over my life at this point, so using what I do have helps. :) As for the thyroid stuff, I can't seem to absorb anything, including T4. I'm having similar problems with even simple vitamins like D right now. I take huge Vitamin D supplements, enough that should give me "normal" levels, but my D level is a 6 (normal is 40-100). So it's really just the Crohn's and Celiac and something inherently screwed up within my body.

Selling the house will be for the best. It makes me sad, but we can still build a good - a great, really - life back in Westminster. That's the best thing for James, and I need that peace of mind. We meet with our realtor soon to talk about staging and so forth, and I hope that, by spring, we're ready to put the house on the market. I'll do anything to make sure James, Toby, and everything we care about is in order.

My parents have been very supportive and helpful, and I'm grateful. I think a lot of things have changed since James was born, but even more so now that I'm in a place where I'm this ill.

James and Toby are my biggest loves. That's what makes everything so hard. But they are what make life bearable right now, too. Whenever the Bad Day comes - I hope I'm ready, but more than that, I hope they are, too. I'm trying to make sure of it.

*so many hugs to you*
(no subject) - shehasathree - Dec. 6th, 2014 10:19 am (UTC) - Expand
oneonthefence
Dec. 6th, 2014 10:23 am (UTC)
♥.

I'm occasionally around, and will sometimes comment late at night (it's 5:20 in the morning right now), but I like the notion of going out on my own terms. No "this is how I'm falling apart" posts. I've summed up everything neatly for once, and I like it that way. Some control in this process is nice.
(no subject) - shehasathree - Dec. 10th, 2014 05:05 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - oneonthefence - Dec. 10th, 2014 05:23 am (UTC) - Expand
davesmusictank
Dec. 10th, 2014 12:18 am (UTC)
I am so sorry to hear that you will not be around, at least on LJ , but i fully understand why and that you need to concentrate on trying to get back to good health. My thoughts go out to you and your family and i hope that things will improve for you in the near future. My prayers go out to you.
oneonthefence
Dec. 10th, 2014 05:25 am (UTC)
Thank you so much. Not being here - or ending on this note - allows me to have some semblance of control in the process regarding what's happening to me. I do have good friends here, and have met wonderful people here, but I just can't keep up. :/ I do still check in occasionally to read, but it's just not on my to-do list these days. I'm glad you understand, and thank you again for the good thoughts and prayers.
pigshitpoet
Dec. 10th, 2014 11:00 am (UTC)
; '
take care blessed angel

a friend of a friend..
oneonthefence
Dec. 10th, 2014 11:07 am (UTC)
Re: ; '
Thank you so much. I appreciate it greatly.
Re: ; ' - pigshitpoet - Dec. 10th, 2014 11:23 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: ; ' - oneonthefence - Dec. 10th, 2014 11:46 am (UTC) - Expand
ductapealchemst
Jan. 20th, 2015 06:08 pm (UTC)
******************************* HUGS ********************************************

I have no words. You are the only reason I sign into LJ periodically, and I'll start poking on on FB (which I use mostly as an RSS reader).
oneonthefence
Jan. 20th, 2015 09:47 pm (UTC)
*huge hugs back*

Yeah - this is a pretty rough situation. I really don't have too much to say about it these days, and don't post much (if at all) on LJ now. I'll update on FB, as you can see, but most of my time is spent sleeping, with doctors, and now, with long-term home health care. But I really appreciate that you are checking up on me. I just don't write here any longer, really. All of my info is on FB. :)
the_dark_snack
Oct. 27th, 2015 09:56 am (UTC)
Happy Birthday!
( 55 comments — Leave a comment )

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Blond wig B&amp;W May 2010
oneonthefence
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