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Hospital stay #11

I knew it was coming.

I've been here for about 25 hours now. My TSH higher than 305, free T4 .07 (so basically, I don't have any), and my heart is working too hard to keep my body going without help. I've severely anemic. Oxygen saturation is puzzling - it drops to a low number but then rebounds, as though saying, "So she stops breathing randomly. Huh. But she is NOT dying like this. Nope. Well, maybe... well, nope, never mind." So it will go from nothing much to 96 (within normal limits) within a minute. No one can explain it. All they know is that I'm fighting. My body is fighting harder than I can comprehend. I'm hooked to every monitor there is, watching the outside world, sleeping randomly and without warning (never well at night, but always throughout the day), and counseling the nurses who are awake with me as they fight through their rough marriages, their exhaustion, their sadness about missing their kids. I'd rather be kind and helpful than isolate in this isolating place. There isn't time to push the world away, not now. And it's not just some full-of-it sense of "you're strong!" or "you're doing the right thing by helping others." It's not like that. It's more that while I'm still here, and when my brain has those waking moments to be kind - it wants to be kind. Why should my death be more important than someone else's suffering? We all suffer. Why not choose to be kind if we still can be?

So I'll be here, smiling with nurses, asking questions to every doctor, trying to breathe and type, and pretending like it's all going to be okay, 1500 mcg of IV Synthroid and a lot of other meds later. It won't be, not ultimately, but if I can tell my brain that it will be, maybe I can buy more time.

Comments

oneonthefence
Sep. 26th, 2014 07:17 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much, friend. I'm really trying. And oftentimes, the nurses are so much kinder - and spend more time with me - than the doctors, who run in and out, not knowing what to do, and making me feel more like a ticking time bomb. It's such a mess. So I'm trying to be kind, keep breathing, and figure out the best way to live with what I have. *hugs*
sammason
Sep. 27th, 2014 02:45 am (UTC)
These sound like the old-fashioned kind of nurse. The kind who believe their role is about caring for the patient.
oneonthefence
Sep. 28th, 2014 02:11 am (UTC)
I did have a few of those, which was wonderful. Luckily, I'm back home now, and even though I don't have 24 hour care, I'd much rather be here, on my own couch, with Toby by my side. :)
sammason
Sep. 28th, 2014 08:48 am (UTC)
When will you see James? Soon I hope, without risk to him.
oneonthefence
Sep. 28th, 2014 09:47 am (UTC)
He's been with my parents at the beach since Wednesday - a trip Toby and I wanted to go on, of course, but it wouldn't have been practical with my health - and will be home tomorrow night. I'm not feeling great, but I doubt I'm contagious in any way, and since I'm mobile and breathing most of the time, I look forward to seeing him around 6 or 7 pm. I'm glad that's only 13 hours away!