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An emotional dump of a post. Sorry.

-I don't think there's much of a need to post on LJ any more, unless I'm just trying to remind myself of something, and in which case, I could always post that to my own, private journal. I'm pretty sure most of my friends here are on FB, where they ALSO tend to post, and those who don't do FB have my email. No one reads or comments here, so I don't think I'll be renewing my paid account in March.

-If I'm here in March. I mean, yes, the doctors said 12-24 months. AND I finally got in to see the world-famous Paul Ladenson at Johns Hopkins Hospital, who gave me the awesome title of "The Most Complicated Case." He's going to try to keep me alive, but my TSH came back at 300, and my red blood cells are ruined. My heart can't keep up with my body now. I'm not getting enough oxygen. Thyroid replacement meds just don't stay within me. I'll need more scans and surgeries, along with radiation and gods know what else. I have a nurse who is willing to be here day or night. It's just not good.

-The GoFundMe campaign stalled right when I needed it most, but that's okay. People have been more than generous. I'll update there again, too, because people seem more concerned there than anywhere else on the Internet (which is odd - one or two FB posts aside, of course), but I know people do care. And money won't solve LIFE. It just solves transportation, parking, time off, costs for treatment, and time with my son.

-Speaking of, James is with my parents, and has been since yesterday. He's in school Tuesday and Wednesday, and then, will go to the beach with my parents Wednesday afternoon through Sunday night. Toby and I were supposed to go to the beach, too - it was a family trip - but I'm not supposed to travel right now. Considering I pass out after 30 minutes in the car, a seven-hour ride won't do, anyhow. But seven days without my son, who will be three on October 17th, is breaking my heart. A day without him makes me sad. How many days are there? How many do any of us have? I need to be with my child. But instead, I've been on the couch since Friday. I know he'll have a great time and be happy, which is what matters the most, and I'm bitching for no reason. It just hurts. It's just been a very rough year.

-I was very severely cyber-stalked and manipulated on FB about three weeks ago. It's hard for me to trust new people right now. I cannot believe I fell for what happened. And now, I have to watch my back. When does the sexual harassment, abuse, manipulation, and memories all of that provokes stop? I wish I knew. :/

-I briefly considered participating in the very last chance to jump back into therealljidol, but when I asked if anyone remembered who I was or if it would be worth it? No replies? And writing for Idol is, honestly, writing for an audience. So I don't think I'll do it. I need to save my energy for my final Vivisection edits and get that to the agent, and then, finish gearing up for NaNo 2014. I'm just saddened that five years ago, I had so many friends - who were writers, to boot - here, and now? It's a wasteland. But again, I'm just whining.

-Maybe this is all just emotional because I know I'm going to be back in the hospital soon. I can feel it within my bones. These odd thyroid changes and issues with my organs failing and lack of oxygen all cause me to feel over-emotional, and I'm sorry that's spilling over into this one post. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I just know that I can't keep walking around if my TSH is above 300 right now. It's so hard to stay awake, and I tend to sleep 15-18 hours a day now - often more. I feel like an awful wife and the worst mother alive. And honestly, I haven't even explained the bulk of the medical issues. I don't have the energy or time to post 15 times a day. I can't keep record of anything. I'm too fatigued. I wish I could explain this type of fatigue. I SWORE I wouldn't let this medical shit become my life, and look - it has. I'm letting symptoms and blood tests and appointments define me. I HATE THAT. I am not a goddamned illness, even one that's determined to take me out well before I'm ready for it to do so.

-At least James is happy, healthy, and smart (he's participating in activities for five and six-year-olds in his three-year-old class). Toby is flourishing at work and is about to go back to school for his Masters. Halloween is coming, and James has a great costume idea (and mine should work out, too - I refuse to miss his birthday, which is the 17th, or Halloween, the 31st, because of all this). The house is doing well and we love it here. We saw Toby's mom at the end of August, when I was supposed to have my hysterectomy (but couldn't due to the high-risk anesthesia issue) - she still came to visit. We have basic plans for things to do this fall and winter, as long as I can do them within 30 minutes to an hour of the hospital (Johns Hopkins, that is) - orchards for apple and pumpkin picking, a family photo, James' birthday, my 15-year high school reunion, my birthday, Halloween with awesome costumes, Thanksgiving with Toby's parents, and Christmas. I already have some birthday and Christmas gifts. We are spending time with the people we love the most - great friends and family members. I've formed my own Relay For Life team (RFL is on May 15th, 2015 in Westminster, MD this time, and I wanted to form a team with loved ones. That gives me a reason to try to keep holding on besides the obvious reasons). There are good things. I'm trying to focus on good things.

I'm just so sad. I feel so alone. I feel as though I've been forgotten when I really want people to care, but don't want to sound needy and say, "CARE ABOUT ME." It's easier to hide that feeling. But it's obviously easy to spew my "blah blah I'm needy listen to me whine on LJ" crap here. I need to stop.

So I'm stopping - with this rant and probably with LJ. I hope everyone is well. Be healthy. I love you.


( 46 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 24th, 2014 12:43 am (UTC)
always in my thoughts.
Sep. 24th, 2014 12:46 am (UTC)
I know. Thank you, love.

And hey, we're on for NaNo this year! I hope your ideas are coming along. :)
Sep. 24th, 2014 01:18 am (UTC)
i've got a lot of seemingly unrelated thoughts, ideas and characters to pull together. i'm hoping to do that this weekend and then start working on character sketches. :)
Sep. 24th, 2014 01:25 am (UTC)
But you have basic STUFF, so that's good. :) I'm still flailing a bit, but I do know what I'm going to write about. Finally. After a lot of truly sleepless nights.
Sep. 24th, 2014 01:30 am (UTC)
yeah, there's some foundational stuff there, for sure. the characters aren't really jumping at me much yet at the moment though, which is the complete opposite from last year where i had characters from the get-go and had to figure out what i was going to do with them. but still, plenty of time for both of us to nail things down!
Sep. 24th, 2014 02:06 am (UTC)
I'm glad you have some foundational stuff there (which I read as "fundamental," and thought, "Well, I'd hope so!:). I do hate that "where did you go, dear characters?" feeling, but you're right - that will work out. I'm taking an easier route with that this year, in a sense, but it will also be emotionally taxing, so I need the best outline possible. Aside from birthdays, Halloween, my reunion, and hospital stuff - I know what I'll be doing in October! We'll get there for certain.
Sep. 24th, 2014 12:48 am (UTC)
*hugs* <3 xxx

You're never forgotten over in this corner of the world. I find it easier to read this kind of longform stuff on LJ, to be honest, but you should post your thoughts wherever you feel most comfortable. The most important thing to say is that you always have my ear, whenever you need it.

I love you. <3
Sep. 24th, 2014 12:55 am (UTC)
*hugs* <3 xoxo.

You've always been an exception to the rule - you've always been here, and when you haven't, you've been there on FB. I'm glad we've become good friends - I'd definitely be sad if we weren't! I'm just not sure LJ is my platform now. I'm very tired, and most people don't pay attention - and LJ is really to update the public about what's going on. I have a private journal for my own ranting, haha. So I don't know. But I am glad you'll be around, no matter where I am. I love you, too. <3
Sep. 24th, 2014 01:38 am (UTC)
My fingers are crossed that you get to enjoy more time with your family and friends. Hugs.
Sep. 24th, 2014 02:07 am (UTC)
Thank you so much - that's the biggest thing that I really want, above all others. *hugs*
Sep. 24th, 2014 01:38 am (UTC)
I'll follow you wherever you choose to go. And I mean that in the most non-creepy, non-stalkerish way possible.


Sep. 24th, 2014 02:08 am (UTC)
Thanks, love. I'll probably be on FB, and maybe a bit more privately. This is an open post, but after what's been going on, and with how I'm feeling/medical crap, I might need to venture into private waters soon. And no, you aren't a stalker. I have those people all figured out now. ;)

Sep. 24th, 2014 02:02 am (UTC)
It's cool, I understand. It really, really bugs me that I don't have any extra money to give you -- Dark Snack gets occasional calls about a job, but they never pan out.

Was wondering if you were going to get back into Idol, but it probably would be best not to do that *and* NaNoWriMo.

Hang in there.
Sep. 24th, 2014 02:11 am (UTC)
Thanks. And don't worry about the money thing. In the Grand Scheme, trust me, that's a minor issue. I mean, it will always be an issue, but it is for everyone. Our monetary stuff just hits all at once because of health concerns, but I'm sure you remember that road.

Thanks for wondering if I was going to get back into it. I don't think I will, not with my need to shop out Vivisection AND NaNo. If this is my potential last year for NaNo, I really want to play. This will be year ten for me, so it would be nice to say I participated for ten years (and, if I win this year, won seven years!). So those two projects, along with just staying coherent, will probably be more vital. But thank you for asking.

I will. And I know where to find you, so, you'll see me about. *hugs*
Sep. 24th, 2014 05:52 am (UTC)
i wish i were closer. i'd come hang out w.you. when i was shutting down from cancer and couldn't sit up enough to type here, i actually asked people to not unfriend me bc i would be absent..they did. now it's all FB. a friend of mine whose husband is going through radiation/chemo....today, like TEN photos and VIDEOS of the poor guy in the chemo chair w/needles stuck into his port. i KNOW that when (when, not if) he passes, she will POST PICTURES. so don;t EVER worry about being too much TMI on fb. we care. with this other guy...i'd block him now but they're r/t friends and a whole bunch of ppl would be pissed. so...just to tell you...TALK. REACH OUT. it's OK. we're here.
Sep. 24th, 2014 06:43 am (UTC)
I wish we were closer to one another, too (distance-wise, that is). It would be nice to hang out. I know you have a lot to share, well beyond just advice on how to get through these days.

I think the fact that these days are numbered terrifies me. No one expects me to live. No one. The final plans are being made. So there's part of me that thinks, "Well, if people don't really care that much, they shouldn't pay attention, anyhow, and I won't care, so they should just go. There's the door. GO." I do care, but I am so afraid to care, because that means feeling attachment. Why attach if I won't be here in a year? Or even five?

But it is all FB now, and I don't like that platform. I loved LJ, when people actually TALKED. Now it's all lists, or competitions, or, "I have something to say but I can't say it yet." Then why bother? It's so odd to me.

When I die - which yes, is a when, not an if, either - I may have enough sense of humor to smile on my way out. Otherwise, I'm a huge fan of dying with dignity. If I'm suffering, then why take a picture? That is kind of cruel. I took one pic back in August on the day I was told I was going to die, because that felt necessary - how would I look on that day as compared to the day when I DO? But I don't need chemo shots, or pre-op scar photos. That's tacky. So no, no TMI like that here or on FB.

Thanks for caring. I want to talk, and reach out, but it seems like so few people listen. It's nice to know you do, and that a few others do as well. So thank you for being here, sister. <3
Sep. 24th, 2014 07:03 am (UTC)
I haven't forgotten you. As they say in Newcastle, 'yer daftie!' Of course we on LJ haven't forgotten you and we never will.

Your news isn't very good. But it's clear that James is happy, the new generation growing up, and Toby is a rock of strength.

If you want distraction from your medical crap, you might like to think about my new tattoo. Neko's going to ink me on 3rd Oct http://tattoo-ink.livejournal.com/2441912.html
Sep. 24th, 2014 07:10 am (UTC)
I know you haven't. Thank you. I appreciate those words. I'm just really emotional - James isn't here, Toby has to shoulder a lot, I'm fighting to stay awake, and I know the hospital is coming up. I don't want to hear the things I know they'll say. I'm scared. But not living, or living like this? That's scary, too.

Oddly, I've received a lot of new ink recently, too - something music-related on my chest, a symbol on my arm, and a quote on my leg. All stuff I wanted before death, so why not now? I have a good artist who didn't charge much at all for her talents. So my body feels more complete. I'll pop over to your journal to see what you have in mind for next week. It's such a wonderful sensation - that needle in your skin. There's so much life to it.
Sep. 24th, 2014 08:38 am (UTC)
Have you had all your tats photographed? If so, please may we see them? And you've probably done this already, but I suggest giving the photos to Toby and James.

Now that you mention how a tattoo needle feels, I notice that I barely remember. It's been 20 years! Iirc it was a bit like being scratched by a cat. The day I found my new artist Neko, she wasn't inking anybody but her business partner Lee was doing somebody's arm. Of course Lee wore gloves and mopped the blood as he worked. The customer chatted with me and showed me his existing ink. That was his taste, not mine, but I did tell Lee that I'm in love with his left hand. Lee has a geometric piece covering nearly all of his left forearm. Neko too has geometric work, some of it on her face, so she's the artist for me.

Today I've goofled 'tattoo ink live journal' and found several more communities. Joined most of those.

Edited at 2014-09-24 08:41 am (UTC)
Sep. 24th, 2014 08:51 am (UTC)
You know, I haven't had the two newest ones photographed yet. But the one on my chest has been. I'll see if I can attach a picture here - it's the one with the blue music staff and notes. As for photos - I have up-to-date physical albums for myself and Toby, as well as for James. I've always kept albums, so I have about 20 of my life, and about 9 for James of his life so far. I don't want him to feel as though he's had a void, less-than-vibrant life. He has evidence to the contrary. :)

I saw your design and I love it. It's very you - complex and patterned and intricate. I tried to comment on the link, but the group was private. Still, I do like it quite a bit, and hope you post pictures!

The only time getting inked caused me pain was when my artist went over a deep scar, which makes sense. Otherwise, I really enjoy the sensation. Sometimes, I get goosebumps - it hurts, but in a way I don't mind. Other times, I barely feel it. It all depends on location. Now that I have twelve (most of which I've received since August 2013), I have to say the one on my leg was the most painful. The needle over my ankle bone really did cause some discomfort, but I didn't flinch.

I can't wait to see your new art! In the meantime, let me see if I can attach a picture... (edit: That was large. Wow. Sorry!)
 photo New-hair-August-30-2014-1_zps9dbcab9a.jpg

Edited at 2014-09-24 08:52 am (UTC)
Sep. 24th, 2014 11:26 am (UTC)
That's lovely! It suits you as art - the shape, the colours - and as a tribute to your musicality. I'm glad to find myself saying that because as I re-enter the world of tattoos (visiting Lee and Neko's tatshop, and joining several more comms on LJ) I often feel obliged to be polite about art that pleases its wearer but that, to me, is crap.

Talking of comments on people's body art, thank you for appreciating mine. I'm letting it speak for itself and haven't yet told anybody what it means to me. The words you chose are perceptive.
Sep. 25th, 2014 07:01 am (UTC)
Thank you! I went into the shop (Tattoo Rock Star) with a basic idea, and the artist and I worked together to create something musical with a blues-inspired theme to honor singing, my grandfather (a blues musician), and music in general. To me, it is art, and it's so very meaningful and symbolic. I'm proud it's a part of me now.

There are a lot of awful tattoos. And while I'm glad I have all the tats I DO have, some of them could be executed much better. I can't do anything about that now, and I don't regret them, but I do wish I had had a better artist.

I do appreciate yours, and can't wait to see how it looks on you. And I'm glad the words I chose are perceptive. It just seems as though it would suit you perfectly, so I'm excited to see the final result.
Sep. 28th, 2014 11:29 am (UTC)
While thinking of ink, I found this comm http://musicink.livejournal.com/ It seems very quiet but no doubt they'd appreciate your chest piece.
Sep. 28th, 2014 12:04 pm (UTC)
Good idea! I'll have to look into the community. I have several music-inspired pieces, so perhaps that will be a good place for me to share my body art.
Sep. 24th, 2014 08:08 am (UTC)
See, I'd rather reply to you here than on FB, and here we are, so...

1. In all honesty, I don't think people know what to say that already hasn't been said at this point. What you're describing is seriously scary. One thing I love about you is that you're fearless when it comes to talking about it...I was trying to describe my own no-thyroid wonkiness to a coworker the other day and all I could think about was "OK, Mandi has a crapload of medical issues on top of this plus the cancer so what's going on with her right now is like my stuff x 1000 and here I am bitching that I probably need my levo readjusted AGAIN because I feel like utter crap myself." See, I love your fearlessness. I know other people do too. My feeling is, if people find it uncomfortable, they can scroll right on by. I wouldn't be surprised if some people are actually doing that, tbh.

2. Re the FB stalking thing: I know what you're talking about and again I didn't respond there: Why isn't your FB locked down? IIRC most of not all of your entries there are public. Of course that's going to attract nutcases, you know?

3. Re Idol: It's been a very weird season thus far. We've got the "Serious Fanfic Writer" brigade playing and all they want is concrit. I'm in the Redemption tribe this week along with 7 other people and it's because "none of us read/comment so we don't think you're interested in our writing", according to somebody in a recent Work Room post. I'm ready to drop, tbh. If I wanted concrit I'd join a writing workshop IRL. THIS IS FUCKING LJ AND FUCKING IDOL. Geezus, people. But yeah, don't get me started. I'm just afraid that if I sacrifice there's going to be no sense of continuing to post here, you know?

I'm here and I'm listening, even when I don't say anything.

Sep. 24th, 2014 08:37 am (UTC)
I like that you'd rather reply here. I know we've spoken about keeping LJ alive and active before, but besides Idol and some random posts here and there (mostly the same people posting the SAME stuff - not you, but a few other people I know), I just don't see a lot of community interaction any longer. I miss that. I guess I miss 2010 or something, ha.

1. This is a serious possibility. The odd thing is that, the more I talk about it on FB (even just the basic medical updates), the more people add me as a friend. In a way, that creeps me out. So they *want* to watch me die? Or do they want to be the people who say, "I knew her so well when she struggled?" Or maybe they just want to be supportive? I don't trust the motives of people I vaguely knew in high school who are now suddenly messaging me like we are best friends. It's creepy - the death show. But anyhow, people may not know what to say, and yeah, I won't lie - it's seriously scary. Not that what you deal with isn't an issue, and you know I would never, ever trivialize it, so you never have to compare. Levo levels being off = feeling like utter shit. What bothers me is that, if I can now function with a TSH above 250 - if that's a new normal, when a lot of people are fatigued/cold/etc when their levels are 50 or so - what happens when normal becomes 400, or 500, and then my heart gives out? Sometimes, I wonder if the docs are kind of waiting to find out. How far can she go? If I'm the new case study, what are they looking to learn? :/

But thank you. I'm terrified, but I'm talking. I'm trying not to be filled with fear. And it's true that people can scroll right on by if they hate it.

2. My FB was locked down, and then, as is the FB way, a lot of my private entries suddenly became public - and I didn't know it. Someone had to point that out to me. So either 1)FB's privacy settings changed or 2)someone hacked my account. Both things are likely. That's why I have an alt account, which is under that other name, and honestly, I should go back to it. I can speak more freely there, since it's only people I KNOW I can trust. The nutcases can just spout off on the public account, which I really only started using again after a few very well-intentioned friends revitalized my GoFundMe campaign to help with medical expenses.

3. It seems like Idol has been kind of weird this season (and last season, too). Comments are down, morale seems to be kind of low, and a lot of people are so competitive that it doesn't seem as fun. I kind of remember it being competitive, but FUN, back in 2009-2010. Now, I hear complaining about it. Great writers are refusing to play because of it. And a lot of people seem as frustrated as you do about commenting, concrit, and so forth. So I think my energy is better placed into novel submissions and NaNo. I LIKE Idol. I LOVE the concept of publishing before I die. So - yeah. I'll probably stay out of it.

I do read when you post, by the way. I'm just in a haze of sleeping 15-18 hours a day, and I'm afraid I make no sense when I comment (including here). But I do read. Thanks for still reading, too. ♥.
Sep. 24th, 2014 12:40 pm (UTC)
*gentle thoughts* I can only imagine how hard it is to b so sic, and to switch from making long-term goals to short-term goals. I'm glad to hear you have fun things planned with your loved ones.

It's okay to say it's hard, and it's also okay to say you don't want it being hard to define you.
Sep. 25th, 2014 07:05 am (UTC)
Thank you so much. I still HAVE long-term goals, but I'm trying to turn them into things I can do in the short term. So, for example, it would be a miracle of science if I lived to see James graduate from high school in 16 years. So now, I'd like to see him graduate from preschool in three. And I want to write him a letter FOR his high-school graduation for Toby to give him, just in case. So things have shifted, even if the goals are still there. As for fun things - a lot of them have to be canceled (I was supposed to go to the beach with my family this weekend, but can't travel due to passing out frequently), but if we can do local things, that's good. We're trying to make everything as fun as we can, especially for James.

And thanks. It is hard. I'm losing and gaining a sense of self at the same time, which is a really rough thing to balance.
Sep. 24th, 2014 02:45 pm (UTC)
I'm currently doing everything from my phone and I couldn't find it for two days which is why I haven't commented here or on FB lately. Hopefully my computer will be up soon so I can leave a proper comment and update my LJ.

Anyway....I'm reading, I care and I can't wait till October! I was think sometime during the third week. A weekday is fine. I'll message you on FB about it. <3 <3
Sep. 25th, 2014 07:08 am (UTC)
No worries at all. I'm glad you're doing well, and that your computer will be up and running soon for a proper update! But I do know you're around.

I know you do care, and as for October - health permitting, of course - a weekday will work best for me. Will you be alone, or with the little guy? If he's with you, a Monday or Friday is best, so James is here. If not, T-Th is best. The 17th is out, as that is James' birthday, but besides some doctors here and there, as well as a few other small events, I'm available. Just let me know! <3 <3
Sep. 29th, 2014 04:33 pm (UTC)
How about that Friday? I'll have Liam with me so they can play. I don't drive so Piper is going to bring me. I hope that's okay. Looking forward to it!
Sep. 29th, 2014 09:10 pm (UTC)
This Friday? Unfortunately, that won't work. I have a bunch of medical tests this week and next week, and then, James has speech on Fridays this month. :/ So I'm really, really not sure about this month now. I'm sorry. I'm trying to figure out my free days and my child care days and my hospital/medical days. It's all a pretty big mess right now. And since I can't drive more than 3-4 miles, Toby has to take off with me, too, for all of this medical stuff. Gah.

The other issue is that I can't be around kids or older people right now. And that's a HUGE issue because it means I go nowhere and am quarantined in the house/medical centers, basically. If this is hell, I suspect I'm kind of living it. The tests they need to do Wednesday are going to be awful.

So I really kind of need to let you know about this, but this Friday is absolutely out. I'm so sorry. I just can't cancel med appointments and make it work. :/
Sep. 29th, 2014 11:43 pm (UTC)
No...i meant the third Friday in October, or anytime really. I'm flexible. I wanted Liam to be able to meet James but if he needs to stay home just let me know and I can arrange for a sitter. I'm sorry about the tests. :(

Edited at 2014-09-29 11:48 pm (UTC)
Sep. 30th, 2014 03:06 am (UTC)
The third Friday in October is actually James' third birthday! So that one won't work, either. :/ I want the kids to meet, too, but while I'm in testing mode, I have to keep myself pretty quarantined. It's bad enough that my own kid might make me too sick to walk, which scares me, but obviously, he's my kid, so he's gonna stay here. :)

I'm trying to think of the best possible date. I was going to say Monday the 20th, but James has a school field trip (randomly) that day. That Friday, I won't be home. The following Monday is my birthday. If it's just the two of us hanging out, it could be a Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday, since James will be away at school. Next week (the 7th-9th) won't work for that, but the following week (14th-16th) could.

Ugh. Being an adult with health issues like this sucks. I'm sorry. I am so trying to make this work. Let me know what your thoughts are. *hugs*
Sep. 30th, 2014 02:34 pm (UTC)
How about the 16th. (the 15th is my birthday). Does that sound okay?
Sep. 30th, 2014 09:12 pm (UTC)
I have two doctors to see on the 16th. Ugh. And I'm sure you don't want to spend all day traveling just to hang out here for a few hours on your birthday. :/ Maybe the 21st around noon? James would be in school, but I'd be here, and as of right now, I don't have any medical things on the calendar. If my docs need to see me, I will have to move stuff around, but for now, that date is pretty clear around noon.

If I don't reply tonight or until Thursday, it's because I'm prepping for this huge medical test tomorrow, and I need to focus on that (ugh), but just let me know. If the 21st at noon doesn't work, I'm sure we can sort it out. *hugs*
Sep. 30th, 2014 10:18 pm (UTC)
The 21st should work. I'll double check and let you know for sure but it sounds good!
Oct. 1st, 2014 01:57 am (UTC)
Awesome. What that date gets a bit closer, we'll confirm it for certain, but for now, I have it on my calendar. :)
Sep. 24th, 2014 07:58 pm (UTC)
I know it's been hard, so hard lately, and I'm sorry.

I keep my real-life (Facebook) and LJ separate, and I honestly never go on Facebook. It just doesn't work for me. So I definitely look for your updates on how things are going and what you're thinking and feeling.

I didn't try to coax you back to Idol because it's such a time-sink, and your time is so precious right now. You're already focusing on the most important things.

I'm glad James is doing so well, and is such a wonderful and happy little boy.

And I am always thinking about you and hoping for good things. *hugs*
Sep. 25th, 2014 07:15 am (UTC)
Thanks. It has been hard, simply because I don't know what to do. I always could figure it out before. Tight spot with money? Something always worked out in time. Tired for an afternoon? Hire a sitter. Car won't start? Call a friend. But I can't call a friend for a favor on this - this illness, that I wouldn't even wish on an enemy.

FB is kind of a cesspool. In a way, I'm grateful for it, but in another way, it makes me feel horrid about myself. So I feel a little lost online. LJ is all Idol (which is fine, I suppose) and random, vague posts, but FB is all memes and political ranting and negativity or "look at how awesome my life is!" And I just don't belong to either faction right now. My life doesn't suck. It's just different. But I'm not announcing my second pregnancy or talking about trips to the movies or filling out surveys - I'm trying to breathe. How often can I say that on FB without being a pain in the ass? So I simply don't know where I fit. Thank you, though, for looking for my updates and checking in on me. That does mean a lot.

I'm okay with the Idol thing, as I mentioned over on the site. I was just feeling a bit down at having been forgotten, until I realized I wasn't - about 10 people messaged me and said, "I really wanted to ask you to play but figured you had bigger fish to fry," so to speak. I was just reacting poorly to - my own life, honestly. But it's best if I stay away from anything that may be a time-sink right now. I do have a novel I'd like to publish, and I should finish those final edits in an effort to try to do that. That's probably priority number one when it comes to writing.

James is doing so, so well. I'm so happy for him. I take a lot of photos and videos of him, and when he looks back at his life, I hope he sees how much he has always been loved, and has always been so kind, and so smart, and so funny. I hope he never loses those traits, especially his compassion. He's a wonder.

I'm thinking about you, too, and hope you are well. *hugs*
Sep. 24th, 2014 10:44 pm (UTC)
hi mandi it's sarah. thank for updating here i am not supposed to go on fb becuz i might out us but since its been so long that someone who can go on fb has been out I have been sneaking on and looking at stuff. Alec gets us to appointments and to get food and pills but that's all sshe can handle without my stuff leaking through into her and overwhelming her

i am sorry you feel so awful but don't beat yourself about being a bad mom or wife you are doing the best you can and i think Toby at least knows that and James prolly has some understanding of it too dont forget to look at your past and remember examples of when you felt really good about yourself. and look at James he wouldn't be doing so amazing 5th and 6th graders?!? without a great mom</p>

love you!

Sep. 24th, 2014 10:48 pm (UTC)
and i promise once someone who can work PayPal comes out the money will be coming your way so you guys can do something fun.

we are not religious and don't know if you are but Leah's mom says she prays for you everyday...if that's comforting
Sep. 25th, 2014 07:20 am (UTC)
Oh, and as for Paypal - I understand. When someone is out who can do that, that's great. I plan to still be here. And no, I'm not traditionally religious, but I never turn down any prayers or good thoughts or anything, so I appreciate that Leah's mom is praying for me every day. That means a lot, so please tell her that I say thank you. I believe that anything could potentially help right now. It certainly can't hurt!
Sep. 25th, 2014 07:19 am (UTC)
Hi, Sarah. I'm glad you are staying safe online. Just continue to be safe, okay? I'm glad you can get to appointments and to the doctor, and hope Leah can return soon, when she's ready and not feeling so overwhelmed.

And thank you. I am trying my very best. It's hard, but I do promise that I'm trying. And James is doing very well. He's only three, so he's not doing the work of 5th or 6th graders, but of five or six year-olds, which is pretty good! I'm proud of him. And I'm happy that he is happy, which matters most to me.

Thanks again. And seriously, stay safe. Love to you, too!
Sep. 25th, 2014 02:10 pm (UTC)
haha i think I meant 5 and 6 year olds but it came out 5th graders! regardless it's still really awesome and you have a great kid = great parenting:)
Sep. 26th, 2014 02:51 am (UTC)
No worries - it's okay. :) And thank you. He is the love of my life. <3
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